Little Britain (and Northern Ireland) against a Great Big World

Well, we've done it. We're out of the EU. Opinion is divided as to whether we've made the right move or not. What is abundantly clear is that Westminster is deeply out of touch with at least 52% of the people they claim to represent.

What is to be done? Fortunately, I have some solutions.

Firstly, this democracy business clearly isn't working. If ticking a piece of paper every five years to decide which party you would like in charge of selecting a cabinet on your behalf doesn't result in a fair and representative system of government, then I don't know what will.

Part of the problem is that the only people who can afford to run for government don't have much experience of what it's like to be poor, or even only mildly affluent. Douglas Adams once said that those who desire power are the least suited to have it. Putting yourself up for election should, therefore, instantly disqualify you from being elected. We still need someone to run the country, though, so how about we all vote for whoever we want to, and the person we pick for each post has to do it, whether they want to or not. Naturally, this will tend to have a bias towards people we all know – i.e. people off the telly – but I quite like the idea of Ant McPartlin being Secretary of Defense, Dara O'Brien being in charge of transport, and Holly Willoughby forced to deal with Northern Ireland. Alternatively, we could bring in a rota system, and all have a go at being prime minister.

The second thing we need to do is get government out of London. Scotland has its own parliament, as does Northern Ireland, but the division of votes in England made it clear the English MPs speak for London and London alone. It's almost as if all those second homes near parliament are where these MPs actually live, and the constituency address simply a house they visit occasionally when giving speeches.

I propose, therefore, we move the entire Houses of Parliament up to Liverpool. Given that most of its members seem to be either leaving or getting fired, this is the perfect time and it will save us having to do all of those expensive renovation works in 2020. It's proximity to both Newcastle and Ireland will also be quite convenient for Ant and Dara when they take up their new posts (Holly may have to commute).

We should also bulk up the powers of the House of Lords to block anything they consider just plain stupid. For instance, they should be able to block someone proposing a referendum just for political point scoring, and then resigning when it looks like they'll have to deal with the results of that decision. It doesn't seem right to give hereditary peers that kind of power though, so instead we'll do it like jury service. Everyone, barring criminals, the elderly and the mentally unfit should have to do their stint in the House of Lords. Almost the exact opposite of what we have currently, in fact.

And finally, it doesn't seem unreasonable that any referendum should come with a 14 day cooling off period. We have it for mobile contracts, and those definitely have less impact on our lives. Perhaps also an entrance exam before you're allowed to cast your vote, not on the basis of intelligence or aptitude, but simply to check you've googled what the EU is before you vote, rather than as an afterthought.

Of course, we can blame the politicians all we like. At the end of the day, however, we all voted. Many who voted leave are unhappy because they were lied to about investment in the NHS, because they weren't prepared for the immediate financial impact on the pound, and because they're sick of Bremainers unfairly tarring them as racist. Many who voted to stay are unhappy because they feel that government didn't provide any leadership, because they feel that their views are now being ignored, and because the leaders who claimed to represent their views are now jumping ship in a time of crisis.

What we should be unhappy about, however, is our own lack of engagement in our political system. Our belief that a we should vote against who or what we dislike rather than for what we want, that a protest vote won't affect the final result, or that there is not point in voting because it doesn't matter anyway.

Now is the time to realise that our voices do matter. That people, not politicians, shape this country. Momentous and terrifying things are happening at the moment, and it is too early to tell if they are good things or bad. We must not fall to in fighting because of this though. We're better than that. Let's make sure history notes this, not as the time when the UK fell apart, but the time when it came together, when it realised that this country was made up not of 'them and us', 'North and South', 'rich and poor', but of people – all kinds of people – who can make our country great by combining our voices into a single battle cry: We are Britain. And Britain is us.