6 ways in which bake off will change when it goes to Channel 4

• Mel and Sue will be replaced by a voice over with a regional accent

• Rather than being judged by Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood, the contestants will vote each other off for such transgressions as stealing the last of the flour, hogging the fridge and giving someone a soggy bottom

• The whole thing will be sponsored by Burger King

• To spice the rounds up, C4 will introduce a round where one person won’t be given enough ingredients, and will be forced to ‘borrow’ them from their fellow bakers. In a moment of extra hilarity, it will turn out the nutmeg they’ve borrowed is actully chili powder.

• One of the contestants will not be a member of the public at all but will, in fact, be a Z list celebrity. The other contestants have to guess which one it is.

And finally:

• Bake Off will be produced by C4 without Paul Hollywood, Mary Berry, Sue Perkins or Mel Giedroyc. It will have neither the charm, nor the following of the original series. Meanwhile, a new series will be commissioned at the BBC. Let’s call it the Great UK Baking Challenge. By coincidence, all of the original presenters of Bake Off will have signed up to Challenge. Channel 4 tries to pretend that the thing they’ve bought is anything more than a very expensive tent.

I know. For lots of GBBO fans, the ‘death’ of our beloved series is very serious business.

But don’t worry. We’re British. Knock down one twee and comforting piece of fluff and two more will rise up in its place.

We will prevail. We will carry on. We will find something else to obsess over. And ultimately, with or without Mary Berry or Paul Hollywood, or Delia Smith, Jamie Oliver, Keith Floyd, and Fanny Craddock… we are Britain... 

We will bake cakes.