Goodbye old year, hello new

It’s been a funny old 2016. Everyone died, two countries took a popular decision that turned out to be deeply unpopular, and Honey G was on the X Factor. It’s enough to make one worried about how 2017 is going to turn out.

Well, assuming we don’t all wake up to find it’s just been a terrible dream (fingers crossed everybody), here’s some predictions for 2017.

1. First of all, let’s start with celebrities. For those of us that grew up in the 70’s and 80’s it’s been an odd few years. First we discovered that everyone we grew up admiring was both deeply unpleasant and the subject of Operation Yew Tree. Then we discovered that the remainder were old, and death’s scythe is sharp. We’ve not got many left. It’s basically Chris Evans, Pat Sharp and Timmy Mallett. This is not the makings of a fantasy dinner party.

Here’s my prediction for 2017 however.

Everyone we thought was really naff will turn out to have hidden depths. Following an emotional appearance on Who Do You Think You Are, a gritty turn in the latest Swedish detective series, or a barnstorming appearance on Celebrity Bake Off, the flotsam and jetsam of yesteryear will turn out to be the alternative geniuses of the future. Just like Bob Monkhouse, Matthew Kelly and Les Dennis, we will embrace them to our hearts, having realised that their entire lives up to this point have been an ironic and extremely dedicated art house performance.

2. The latest show to hit the airwaves is Let It Shine, yet another TV talent show where the grand prize is to be famous for fifteen minutes in a musical written by Gary Barlow. There is controversy over whether its just a rip off of the Voice, which itself was accused of being a rip off of X Factor, which was a rip off of Pop Idol, which was a rip off of… well, you get the picture.

My 2017 prediction:

Gary Barlow’s new musical will be a bit crap. It will also take sufficient money that the BBC will encourage to write another one next year, just so they can have a TV talent show to fill their schedules. In a surprise move, Robbie Williams will take a prominent role. He will pull out just before the first episode goes to air.

3. Of course, the Voice is not the only program to depart from the BBC. 2016 has seen BBC losing shows faster than David Cameron lost votes.

My prediction for 2017:

Following the loss of Top Gear, Bake Off and the Voice, more channels will realise there’s nothing stopping them from buying up the programs that make the BBC successful. Doctor Who will move to Channel 5, Downton Abbey to the History Channel, and Question Time to Really. Eastenders will stay exactly where it is.

4. Of course, it's not all been doom and gloom in 2016. One man, in particular, has tried to keep things light and entertain us with his witty banter:

My 2017 prediction:

Donald Trump will announce that he has spent the last year making a new reality show. To the relief of millions he will point at that his entire election campaign was a massive publicity stunt, where his challenge (as set by the producers) was to see what was the most ridiculous thing he could do or say in public and still get elected.

He will then point out that, irregardless, he still got elected, is still taking office and that everybody who ever opposed him, doubted him, or looked at him slightly funny is a loser. Sad.

And finally, one last prediction:

5. A number of things will happen in 2017 that will make us happy, make us cry, tear us apart and bring us together again. We will make friends, make memories and celebrate life amongst the sadness. There will be highs, lows, moments of calm in between. We’ll take it all on. That’s what we’ve always done, and always will. We’re human and we’re fighters.

Here’s hoping that 2017 is mostly highs. Here’s to knowing that we have no idea what’s coming and we’re okay with that.

Here’s to being able to make best of whatever gets thrown at us.

Come on 2017. We’re ready. Show us what you’ve got.