When to Lend a Hand

The other day a story on Facebook caught my eye. It was obvious clickbait but I clicked anyway. It was the story of a man who was deaf. One day he woke up to what he thought was a normal day, to find that everyone in his town had secretly learned sign language so that they could surprise him by asking what kind of bagel he wanted, or signing good morning when he got in a taxi. Suddenly, a day of isolation became a day filled with the kind of insignificant communication the rest of us take for granted. Suddenly he was connecting.

Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that the whole thing had been set up as a publicity stunt for a massive ad campaign.

And then I thought, ‘why am I disappointed?’. The townsfolk still learned sign language. The deaf man still found himself unexpectedly connected, his neighbours still suddenly became people he could talk to rather than being wary of.

The fact that it was organised by someone with ulterior motives should have no impact on the end result.

Doing things for other people is a funny thing. Helping out others should always be a positive. So here’s a thought experiment for you. You’re walking down the street when you see a dwarf. By this, I mean a little person, or a person of different height, or whatever the latest politically correct term is. Since all these terms sound more offensive to me than dwarf, I’ll stick with what I know. I certainly don’t mean to offend by using glib cultural stereotypes and cheap jokes.

Anyway, you see a dwarf, and he is not happy. His scarf has got caught by the wind and is stuck in a tree. It’s not a very tall tree but, clearly, a dwarf is not a very tall person and, try as he might, jump as he might, he can’t reach high enough to get it down.

Okay, so here comes the meat of this thought experiment. Is it ever acceptable to walk over, pick the guy bodily up and say ‘there you go little feller’?

I mean, it should be alright, shouldn’t it? After all, you’ve helped him out. If anything, he should be grateful.

Alright, I’m being ridiculous. But actually, in many ways, I’m not. While this is obviously inappropriate behaviour, the more reasonable response, simply reaching over the chaps head and fetching the scarf down, would still worry me. I would be legitimately concerned that the person I was helping would find this patronising. The line between acceptable and unacceptable has become unclear, and, for many, the safest option is to do nothing.

Another example. My wife guides a blind person at the local park run. She knew this person was looking for a guide, and she wanted to help out, as well as give herself the incentive to keep up the running every week, so she volunteered. Not without serious consideration, though. Not because she was concerned about being able to do it, or because she didn’t have the time, but because she was worried that, if ever in the future she found herself unable to turn up for whatever reason, the guilt of that one missed session would be far greater that the guilt of not agreeing to give any assistance in the first place.

We see this everywhere. It used to be that people would raise money for homelessness by climbing Kilimanjaro, or go white water rafting to raise awareness about Parkinson's. Then other people started asking whether these people were really doing it for charity or if they just really, really wanted to climb Kilimanjaro. At which point, the original people admitted that, yes, they were more into it for the experience than to raise the money – so they stopped raising money and had the experience anyway.

This is not the outcome we were hoping for.

Fundamentally, we all have an abundance of reasons not to reach out, not to get involved, not to lend a hand. It’d be hard work, it won’t help, it won’t be appreciated, if I do it once I’ll be expected to do it every time. Big corporations, on the other hand, have only one motivation for doing something charitable. It is a route to earning more money.

Guess which of these results in a greater contribution to society.

So the next time you get a chance to do something for someone else, don’t stop to think if they’ll appreciate it, or if its worth it, or what other people will think. These are all a sign that the person you're really thinking about is you. Instead, walk up, ask if they need a hand, be prepared to walk away if they say no, and be prepared to stay if they don’t.

After all, we all like to think that we are more moral than giant greedy conglomerates. If you don't start doing good where you find it, ulterior motive or otherwise, you may wake up one day and find out that the one with the worst social conscience is you.